the days i can remember are a feat. they truly do feel far and in between now. i’m always much too sober, it feels like there isn’t solace. the repetition is just the nail in the coffin.

blank spots in my memory where there should be something, anything, but i always recall the worst parts while the vaguely postive ones dissipate into nothing. small gestures, a smile to me, a warm touch. i’m sure i felt it, but it’s gone as fast as it came.

maybe it wasn’t there after all, really.

it’s okay to be cold to me. i can’t remember what i was like before all of this. there are no pieces left to pick up, so scattering them more won’t hurt.

there’s nothing to break further. eyelids are heavy, my hands are shaky. i’m dizzy. brushing my teeth won’t get rid of it on my breath. just another night i won’t remember.

i hope you leave me, too. before i can implant any of the bad parts, any of the hurt. so i can forget all of this ever happened. like maybe it was all some kind of hazy dream.